the hackening 2019: text edition

kimmy

i owe you an apology. i never should’ve walked out on you that night or any other night. it was selfish and i see now how i fucked up. i’m so very sorry if i ever made you feel less than because you are an amazing woman and you deserve to be loved and cherished.

i’m sorry if i don’t know what to say. i’m having a hard time and i’m trying to process everything.

you don’t have to say anything. i just needed to apologize for that.

you don’t have to apologize. i did it to you.

what?

like, i walked out on you before.

oh.

it hurt when you did it.

i was wrong and you deserved an apology

thank you, i appreciate it.

yeah, of course

kimmy

rofl whose daddy are you?

umm...everyone’s? yo soy el mundo’s padre

hellooo spanish speaker

i picked up a few things. mostly swear words

what else you got?

i know how to say suck my ass, motherfucker

lmao damn, you're such a potty mouth

and suck my dick, i know how to do that one too. i don’t know much else except please and thank you

i mean, you definitely know how to suck dick

i’m forgetting how

no way!

i don’t even know what it is anymore

oh c'mon. that'd be a real fuckin shame for a mouth as incredibly talented as yours

what’s a big dick? my brain is so foggy

oh no baby nooo. do i need to send you a picture?

yes please, just so i don’t forget. i need help with my memory

you gotta get me hard first baby

like telling you how much i miss that big cock choking me?

that's a good start.

i love taking it slow until you can’t handle it and you tangle your fingers in my hair, stretching my mouth

chico brito 🔥

asa

what else should you be focusing on?

adrian

work. but that’s impossible now that i’m thinking about the magic that mouth does

asa

well i don't want to be responsible for depriving the world of an incredible song..

adrian

too bad. if this album is late, it's all your fault.

asa

just don't tell on me, papi

Charlotte Quebedeaux

soooooooooooooooo i think i'm in love with thorsten

Sasha McReynolds

Excuse me, what?

Charlotte Quebedeaux

I KNOW I'M KIND OF IN A PANIC ABOUT IT?

Sasha McReynolds

Okay, where is this coming from? You guys have only been dating for about 2.5 seconds.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

well, i mean it's not like we're strangers. we've been best friends for the better part of a decade.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

so i already loved him and now i'm just realizing that i'm IN LOVE with him too.

Sasha McReynolds

Are you in love with the man or are you in love with his dick? I know you've been having a dry spell.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

actually bitch i was not having a dry spell and i'm not in love with his dick.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

i mean, yes, i'm totally in love with his dick but more importantly i am in love with the man.

Sasha McReynolds

I still don't understand how this happened.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

i'm not really sure how it happened either. we were joking, then we weren't joking. then we were together.

Sasha McReynolds

Then you need to tell him how you feel. Don't let what happened with Nick scare you away. You deserve happiness just as much as the next person, Char.

Sasha McReynolds

Do you think he's going to run screaming for the hills? ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION, CHARLOTTE QUEBEDEAUX IS A STAGE 5 CLINGER.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

you are so. fucking. hilarious. no, i don't think he's going to freak out. i'm going to tell him when i'm back from paris.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

shit, i'm in love with thorsten meyer.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

hey nick, there's something i want to tell you.

Nick Sampson

hey char, what's that?

Charlotte Quebedeaux

thorsten and i got married.

Nick Sampson

wow. WOW. that was fast.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

yeah, i totally beat your time with samantha. we were barely divorced before you popped the question.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

okay i'm sorry that was bitchy.

Nick Sampson

i always figured you had something with him.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

i was NEVER with him while we were married.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

fuck nick, i thought we were past this?

Nick Sampson

no i don't mean i think you were unfaithful or anything. i just think you guys always had a special connection that we never had. kind of like me and sam, you know?

Charlotte Quebedeaux

okay, i'm sorry. well, we ARE best friends.

Nick Sampson

look char, i'm happy for you.

Nick Sampson

i'm even happy for him. he is one hell of a lucky man.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

thanks, nick. i just wanted you to know. we're not telling anyone for a while but you know.

Charlotte Quebedeaux

give my love to sam and the kiddos

Charlotte Quebedeaux

come fuck me, daddy.

Thorsten Meyer

😈

Thorsten Meyer

is this a ties and blindfold kind of fuck?

Charlotte Quebedeaux

i bought a paddle. it's that kind of fuck.

Thorsten Meyer

then we'll start with you over my knee

Jenny Snyder

what's up baby?!?

harison mercier

so much, you're really missing out. where are you now?

jenny snyder

tell me. amsterdam. miss you

harison mercier

i am getting ready for a fancy dinner thing. even if you were here you would not be invited. i hope you are having fun in the red light district. i don't miss you at all.

jenny snyder

how the fuck did you get invited then? sure.

harison mercier

aw. i miss you even less when you're snarky. how high are you? scale of 1 to get a job wrap party.

jenny snyder

11.30 get a job wrap party.

harison mercier

perfect level to make mistakes, careful not to lose your shirt, wallet, or virginity!

jenny snyder

but tonight's the night, baby. i know it. this hooker really wants to make me a man

harison mercier

because facetime is not working across the globe i'm going to need you to find the most serious picture of me you can and imagine how hard i'm glaring at you right now.

jenny snyder

send me a picture. i need your face to stop me making bad choices.

harison mercier

i'm pretty sure it would take a lot more than a picture of my disapproving expression to set you on the path to righteousness in amsterdam.

jenny snyder

oh ye of little faith

harison mercier

i'm just proud to be the one you're texting right now.

jenny snyder

who the fuck else would i be texting j?

harison mercier

no, i know i'm your #1. obviously. i mean i'm the person capable of distracting you from european sex, drugs, and baked goods.

jenny snyder

see. and you're so mean to me. i'm gonna write another country song about you.

harison mercier

i only push you away so i can watch you try to win me back. but please not that way, 'crying into my beer' was awful.

jenny snyder

how fucking dare you?!?

harison mercier

love you!!!

jenny snyder

sure. you'r elucky i love you.

harison mercier

don't know what i'd do without you.

jenny snyder

be fucking miserable obviously. i hope you wouldn't cheat on me and watch planet earth with anyone else.

harison mercier

if you don't come back to LA sooner or later who knows what i'll do

jenny snyder

IS THAT A THREAT J?

harison mercier

i'm just saying i'm a big time slut for nature docs and chill.

jenny snyder

listen it benefits me so i ain't complaining.

harison mercier

i hope you bring me home a postcard, or some other proof of your shenanigans in the ‘dam.

jenny snyder

i'd bring you the cheese. but we ate it. weed? you want some dutch weed?

harison mercier

as cute as i imagine TSA dogs sniffing you all over might be, smoke it there and think of me.

jenny snyder

i'll do it now. sending you pictures.

harison mercier

Jenny Snyder

yo. i'm home friday. want to make a giant 'welcome home harison' sign and pick me up at the airport?

harison mercier

are you looking for a heartwarming reunion moment?

jenny snyder

i'm looking for a ride obviously

harison mercier

I can book you an uber and you venmo me later.

jenny snyder

way harsh tai.

harison mercier

fine, i’ll pick you up. and welcome you home with open arms

jenny snyder

i'm thinking some love actually bullshit.

harison mercier

aww. you hopeless romantic.

jenny snyder

you can be hugh grant

harison mercier

to me hugh are perfect

jenny snyder

Jonah - Tria

CAN YOU PLEASE go look at wtf keric is doing. i want to rip his head off

jonah - tria

are you fucking kidding me t? he's such a tool

harison mercier

that was insane, right? i'm not overreacting?

jonah - tria

he's a total dick, t.

harison mercier

he might as well have tried to piss on me

jonah - tria

ignore the dick.

harison mercier

Jonah - Tria

so the Bahamas was interesting. went to cayman that was fun. and now Keric wants me to go to New York... just wanted to update you since I lost my phone and just got a new one and I miss youuuuu

jonah - tria

why are you going anywhere with keric?

harison mercier

idk. I talked to him privately after the ig mess. I just I feel like I need to

jonah - tria

i still think he's a dick t.

harison mercier

Dream Genie

tell me about being a rebel

harison mercier

a lot of eyeliner, a lot of fuck you, a lot of door slamming and just saying no to lacroix water.

dream genie

i think i could dig a rebel

harison mercier

it's the lacroix, isn't it?

dream genie

i dream about a girl who'll say no to lacroix

harison mercier

we do exist! i love my life with a bit of flavour.

dream genie

you're a dream genie

harison mercier

if you rub me i can make you dreams come true 🧞‍♀️

dream genie

what if rubbing you is my dream?

harison mercier

that is going to be very easy then

dream genie

i can come over

harison mercier

i'll send you the directions to the secret cave 🗺👀🍑

dream genie

i'll be 30 mins 🍑 💦

harison mercier

🍑🖐🏼🍆🔥

dream genie

🍆 💦 🍑 👅

harison mercier

Dream Genie

i am an idiot. i am performing on the 26th in san francisco, if you think you can bring your curry up there? i am back in new york on the 22nd if you're not gone yet.

dream genie

i'm back in la now, but i can do san fran on the 26th. if i bring dinner do i get to sneak backstage?

harison mercier

i will be performing at a festival, be ready to meet the superstars.

dream genie

who else is performing? i'm psyched, genie.

harison mercier

petit biscuit is among the people

dream genie

you're so cool, dream genie. i'll be there, with food.

harison mercier

😎 it's the aussie in me. i look forward to it.

dream genie

do you want some american in you?

harison mercier

for dessert? 🍰

dream genie

yeah, always

harison mercier

can't think of a better way to end da meal.

dream genie

Lucas Morelli

I've been trying every trick in the book lately, doesn't seem to get me to sleep quicker.

Lucas Morelli

are you stressed?

Jenny Snyder

A little.

Lucas Morelli

over what?

Jenny Snyder

I'm turning down offers for other stuff that would mean more money, working myself like crazy at the gym all for a musical adaptation of a movie about a stripper. The team behind it actually asked for me by name and the music is great, but it’ll be the first time I’ve had something that is entirely all about me.

Lucas Morelli

Sorry. That is such a first world show business problem.

Lucas Morelli

well, that doesn’t mean the worry isn’t legitimate. sounds like you feel a lot of pressure. i’ve felt that. ... actually really miss it.

Jenny Snyder

Yeah, it’s pressure, but I still feel guilty. Catholic guilt doesn’t go away easily.

Lucas Morelli

You never seem to let pressure phase you.

Lucas Morelli

well, my dad worshipped money and my mom practiced anything that would prevent boredom, so i wasn’t raised to believe in much. and honestly, i never had much time to dwell on whether i could pull off a role. that always helped. if you’re always working you can’t worry about the past, present, or future much. you just... do.

Jenny Snyder

True. And maybe because I pretty much haven't stopped in a couple of years and now I've got a little bit of a break, it's making me take a step back or two to think.

Lucas Morelli

You know you do belong on stage.

Lucas Morelli

i do miss it.

Jenny Snyder

You should aim for it. I really think that's where you've shined brightest.

Lucas Morelli

you mean when i was a literal child star?

Jenny Snyder

I mean during Waitress. Yea it was a limited run, but you looked so damn happy to be there.

Lucas Morelli

in the promo shots?

Jenny Snyder

I saw you perform.

Lucas Morelli

what? no you didn't.

Jenny Snyder

I didn't want to tell you. But I saw you. Twice.

Lucas Morelli

... lucas.

Jenny Snyder

I loved every second of it.

Lucas Morelli

twice?

Jenny Snyder

Twice.

Lucas Morelli

why didn't you tell me?

Jenny Snyder

I thought it might make it weird? I don't know. I wanted to see you and I wasn't going to miss out you being on stage again.

Lucas Morelli

it's kind of weirder you didn't tell me. twice.

Jenny Snyder

I wish I'd told you.

Lucas Morelli

Sorry.

Lucas Morelli

i’m sorry i sent you that bicoastal late night pick up line joke and it turned weirdly serious.

Jenny Snyder

It's okay. I won't be nearly as cryptic in the future. And be more honest with you.

Lucas Morelli

or we can just keep it light between us, right?

Jenny Snyder

I’m all for light. But also honesty.

Lucas Morelli

u up?

Jenny Snyder

You must have a 6th sense.

Lucas Morelli

yep, it’s called optimism.

Jenny Snyder

It's one of your best traits.

Lucas Morelli

what are you up to?

Jenny Snyder

Tossing and turning. Been trying to sleep for hours. What about you?

Lucas Morelli

have you tried closing your eyes?

Jenny Snyder

Like, both at the same time?

Lucas Morelli

i stayed up watching some scary show and now i’m pretty sure i’m going to die alone here so i texted you.

Jenny Snyder

Having an existential crisis brought to you by Freddy and Jason?

Lucas Morelli

excuse you. you’re the one tossing and turning without me.

Jenny Snyder

It’s not like I always sleep better next to someone.

Lucas Morelli

well i don’t remember any insomnia.

Jenny Snyder

We tended to wear each other out.

Lucas Morelli

yep, i’m a lot. i’ve heard that before.

Jenny Snyder

The best kind of wearing out. Like it was always some sort of a game that I couldn’t stop playing. Does that make sense?

Lucas Morelli

... are you saying i played mind games?

Jenny Snyder

No no no no.

Lucas Morelli

Dammit. I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant

Lucas Morelli

I mean it was fun. It was fun being with you.

Lucas Morelli

Way more fun than I have ever had before or since.

Lucas Morelli

what did you mean by a game, then.

Jenny Snyder

It was a game that I loved playing, but I don't think I could have won.

Lucas Morelli

that doesn't answer my question at all.

Jenny Snyder

I fell for you. Hard. And then it ended so suddenly. I thought it was something more than just an on-set fling or a blip. I still feel like it was, but I don't really know.

Lucas Morelli

well, i did too. you know that. deeply. but then we had other projects, we both knew it wasn't going to last forever. that wouldn't make any sense.

Jenny Snyder

Having other projects didn't mean we had to put a stop to it.

Lucas Morelli

going off to be busy doing work in different places did mean it had to stop. that's just the unspoken and assumed structure when two people get together while doing a movie together. come on. don't play the victim, i didn't dump you. and it was literally five years ago.

Jenny Snyder

I know. But it feels like yesterday. I’m not trying to play the victim, I’m sorry.

Lucas Morelli

Val

Keric

why the hell you talkin to Lo?

Tria

really keric? she came at ME

Keric

and then you decided to tell her about the tape?

Tria

i'll let you see the conversation if you want, her mouth is reckless and it just came out. no excuses or anything, i acted like a child

Keric

what did she say to you? she’s just... she doesn’t know what think of you.

Tria

she kept throwing it in my face that you chose her. I don't need more of a reminder, Keric. every single magazine and people telling me about it is enough.

Keric

she’s just intimidated by you. she shouldn’t have contacted you. i’m sorry

Tria

it is what it is, Keric. let her know she has nothing to worry about, you want her

Keric

why you gotta put it like that? seriously, what the hell did she say?

Tria

how else am I supposed to put it? she asked me why I was bothering you. told me to stay away because you guys don't need the drama. then she was throwing it my face that you're with her.. multiple times. so that's when I mentioned maybe having a sex tape. I didn't confirm it, she just ran with it

Keric

i bothered you. i told her that i approached you. and i've admitted to her now about the tape. which she's pissed about, so thanks.

Tria

I made a mistake. I'm human. idk what else you want me to say. don't worry the tape's not going anywhere. only me you and lo will know about it

Keric

well her knowing about it is what i'm worried about

Tria

she can't prove anything. I have the only copy

Val

Keric

can i see you while i'm in town?

Tria

I’m in the Cayman Islands but I can fly there if you want

Keric

hell no ma. Don’t leave the sun for this shithole. I gotta be back in la on Thursday

Tria

I was leaving today anyway, either LA or New York..

Keric

well i’d like to see you

Tria

I’ll come to New York then, where should I meet you

Keric

im staying at my spot in brooklyn, we can meet there if you want. i’m still in the studio right now but we should be wrapping up soon

Tria

I’m on the flight now, I’ll be there in a few hours

Loli

keric

so when does this open relationship start. since i’m leaving town

lo

I guess now.

keric

aight

lo

You got a date?

keric

no. only with e-40 and my producer

lo

alright...

keric

what?

lo

I don't know. I just...feel off

keric

I know. Me too. It’s a weird thing to try. I guess

lo

I'm scared

keric

then let's not do it. idk

lo

its not about the sex, keric. the whole tria thing. its been bothering me for days.

keric

what do you want to do? i'm sorry.

lo

i want you to figure out all of your feelings before we move forward.

keric

alright then we chill for a while

lo

okay

lo

i love you, keric evans.

Loli

Lo

What the fuck is your problemm

Keric

don’t even fckin start

Lo

I'm not your fucking property anymore.

Keric

what the fuck does tht mean

Lo

I'm not your girl. Stop acting like I am.

Keric

believe me, i’m not. you ain’t nobody’s girl, you’ve made that shit clear.

Lo

Then why are you starting fights over me?! Are you fucking high?

Keric

R U!?! i mean gotdamn u musta been playin with that fool

Lo

I didn't touch him! Your girl has fucked with him more than I ever have

Keric

we're not startin this shit again, lo. he got what was comin to him tonight n u kno it

Lo

Are you going to fight with every guy who ever flirts with me again? Fucks me? Seriously, keric

Keric

no. why you always gotta be so dramatic? this is one very particular instance

Lo

I'm dramatic?! Says the guy getting in fights over pussy...

Keric

if you don’t know, that pussy is special

Lo

Hers or mine?????

Loli

Lo

I'm sorry about last night

Keric

it's too much lo

Lo

I don't know what to do

Keric

i don't think we should talk for now

Lo

Keric...

Lo

Fine. Whatever.

Lo

You can't tell me you didn't feel something when I kissed you. I know it was a mistake but damnit keric.

Keric

of course i did. that's the problem, lo.

Lo

i shouldn't have kissed you.

Keric

you're right

Lo

probably better you left. i overcooked the pasta.

Keric

it probably would have all been fine if we could have just managed to eat dinner like we planned

Lo

i know.. fuck

Mom

Everything okay, Kevin?

Kevin

Yeah, but I think I want to come home for a few weeks when I'm wrapped up. I haven't seen you guys in a while and...I'm just not happy. I don't think I've been happy since before the divorce and I'm pretty sure that I need a change of scenery. I'm drinking...a lot. I don't think I've really been the same since Meriem left me. I've cut down a lot of my responsibilities on the shows, and I've been kind of head first with Orville. Fox is leaving me on the hook about whether or not I get a third season, so...yeah. I don't know, mom. I'm sory. I'll be home for a few days soon. Sorry, this is a massive word dump, I'm sorry.

papi 🍆

what time do you get in, babe?

i'm gonna leave here in a few hours. i think i get in around 8p?

great. send me your flight info when you have it. i'll pick you up and we can head straight to the hotel

landing at MIA at 8:25p. can't wait to see you.😘

ditto, mami.

👑 ana

my assistant Claire is driving me insane.

why, what happened?

Keric and I are finally in a good place. a really good place. we had an amazing time in Dubai. but Claire...she thinks it's a bad idea. she's worried about the backlash

backlash for what? y'all have a fanbase and your fans/his fans get along harmonious until he fucks up, and popcorn is popped for me as maddie dramatically reads the exchanges.

i need to tell you something. that i've never told like...anyone. and i know i can trust you, love.

what's up?

when him and i split two years ago. it wasn't his fault. it was mine. i...cheated on him.

lolitah, all you had to do was to ask him to tone down mentioning oakland...why?

because i'm stupid. and i love attention. and we were spending so much time apart. and i got drunk and someone else gave me the attention i wanted. and i fucked him. a few times. that's why we split. it wasn't keric at all.

aw, honey. we all make mistakes.

as much as he says he loves me, i think he's never going to forgive me. or forget about it. whenever we fight, he brings it up. he loves to throw it back in my face.

men are so stupid.

it makes me sound like a total bitch, but like, i just want to tell him to get the fuck over it. it was 2 years ago. he's fucked other girls. i've fucked other guys. i'm so tired of talking about it. and Claire won't STFU about it. says its gonna come out because i'm gonna burn him again.

I WILL STAZZI TEXAS RANGER HIS ASS OFF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE IF HE EVER SAYS ANYTHING. boop, bye.

i don't think he would. but who fucking knows. it just sucks. when it's good, it amazing. when it's bad, it's fucking toxic. maybe it's better if we're not together.

R.

sat, feb 23, 2:33 pm

you should come crash a party tonight

oh?

you opposed?

nah, but i'm a good nephew and my auntie going through it. i'm taking her out tonight. if she shows up it'll be crashed through the floor. all the way to hades. where?

who says your auntie can't come, bring her through. i'll text you the info.

it's more like who she is but alright, i gotchu. thank you.

no one is gonna refuse you.

sun, feb 24, 4:35 pm

will you be sending the academy a thank you basket for our seating arrangement?

probably not. i'm pretty rude.

maybe i'll send one instead.

oh, that's thoughtful. what'll the note say?

"thanks for giving me the seat with the best view."

sun, feb 24, 12:59 pm

you know, i wouldn't send the academy a basket but i'd send your assistant one.

yeah? you like the way she runs interference?

not at fucking all, but she's good at it and effort should be recognized.

you're going back to alabama tomorrow, right?

i am. 10am flight.

you got somebody else with you tonight or we good to sneak past rose for a while?

i don't have anyone with me.

text me where you are and you will.

just like that, huh?

Nana

sun, feb 24, 2:44 am

so, when i get back from belize...giz and i are coming to you and we’re having a sleepover

YEAH? cool, let's do it. when are you getting back from belize? and why are you going to belize??

i get back thursday, so i can be to you by friday?! but to answer your question, lo needs a vacation and so do i

i'll still be in nola! wanna get our cards read? 🔮✨

of course!! let’s do nola right.

the last person i talked to about this was like oh hell nah why are you messing with that voodoo and i'm just ??? BECAUSE IT'S FUN

already sold my soul to the illuminati SO WHY THE FUCK NOT

oh cool tell donny osmond i said hi

he’s totally the peacock

the monster moved me last episode. fuck you man, making me feel things

it’s t-pain

you're one big walking spoiler

I AM NOT IM MAKING GUESSES

you got nick cannon on speed dial HEY BRUH YOU GONNA WEAR THT RED SPARKLY TURBAN 2NITE OR WHAT

JAMBI LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER

😂🤣 JAMBI!!!!

WELL I MEAN AM I WRONG

sun, feb 24, 4:35 am

sun, feb 24, 1:28 pm

OH MY GOD I AM DYING

I DONT REMEMBER MAKING THIS

fri, mar 1, 2:05 am

nemmy, who keeps letting nick cannon wear a fucking turban?

pee wee

okay i'm warmed up next question

if i ever have a child i want them to be like you.

Nana

sun, feb 24, 4:32 am

do you ever get MAAAAAAD in your feels when you're drunk cuz i just spent like an hour putting together a playlist and i tried to salvage it but it got sadboi again

i think it always happens! why are you sad boi right now?????

i made mistakkkeeessss

and what as am i kicking?????

is this english 🧐

that’s a hard no

but seriously, who’s ass am i going to be down

i failed again

nana you don't gotta eat ass for me

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

i did it to my own SELF

third times a charm: who is going to get a dose of texas nana?

ME. i told you, ME, i did it to my own SELF

WHAT YOU MEAN....

i'm on the floor listening to LIKE I USED TO and just like wow yeah i won't get to wake up in the morning and fuck her like i used to 😪 idk we're on that next level pathetique

i’m gonna get someone to love on you genuinely

hey me too, you know you're the best person alive don't you? like for real i love you foralways

i love you too. you’re the best nephew i could ever ask for

where’s your dad to make me food

ugh idk is he with you? he's prob doing blow off some thots bhole

idk but i’m about to wake his ass up to make me food

grilled cheese

CHICKEN WINGS

if he’s fucking a broad, i’ll make her leave

NAH NAH NAH put her to work she's on sauce duty

nah i need to show her place, out the door

i love you truly & don't let her forget her fashion nova

you know how many times i’ve come out of my room and then she was in an uber five mins later?

Dad

fri, mar 1, 2:24 am

hey.

sat, mar 2, 9:33 pm

i definitely didn't envision this happening where you texted me and i didn't see it until just now. i'm sorry for that, nehemiah.

you don't have to be sorry. it's not that deep, okay?

it was only a day, and tbh i was too faded last night to even see my screen. forget about texting.

still. i just want you to know there's always an open channel of communication here for you when you want it.

i heard. ana said she was watching you. i was like uhhh i think you got that twisted. he's definitely holding his own and looking over you. she called me rude.

watching me? she's cute.

right? i asked her to tell me i was wrong and she couldn't so the defense rested.

i should promise her i won't do anything you wouldn't do just to see her face.

please. when you do, make sure you're recording her. she's way more expressive than she thinks.

i'll ask someone else to record it. maybe max. you wanna see it?

hell yeah i do. i imagine her giving you a scoff and those side eyes.. you know That Look.

that's just her face.

while i have your ear, a word of advice. you're going to get a mean case of cottonmouth with moon rocks so be prepared. i mean, if you are getting into alla dat.

i have never done A Drug a single day of my life, Father.

your acting's getting better but it's not that good.

sun, mar 3, 5:13 am

hey i juts wanted to say i'm proud of you for all that work you put in asib

thank you, son. it means a lot coming from you. i know the last time we saw each other i was holding a beer to my shiner but don't think i wasn't hollerin from my seat for the best animated feature award. the world is about to see how much of a force you are.

sun, mar 3, 7:20 pm

what i meant to say was i'm proud of you for not only chasing a vision but having one. you've always been good at that, going after what you want, but this one is just more special and i wanted you to know i recognize it.

i appreciate this more than you know since it wasn't just for me. it was for your grandma j, your grandma woolfe, ana... it was for us more than anything else.

i had this dream a few nights ago. grandma j was sitting on the porch swing with me, drinking coffee and reading a book. the sun was coming up.

i don't know why i told you that.

i miss her, i guess.

because she was a big part of your life and will continue to be. she helped raise you and you'll always have her to guide you through whatever you're going through.

R.

sat, mar 9, 1:54 pm

you're 100% you can't give yourself the finger next week? just that i see you or see anyone in 4d and time is gonna get in the way eventually.

100%. when do you leave? so time outweighs your ability to interact in 4d?

monday. not outweigh? i think it's just greediness. i want more always.

i meant from dubai. so how much more of me do you want?

oh i fly back on the 19th. assumed mardi gras weekend would be enough but nah, i'll take all of you instead.

feel free to take a long layover in birmingham on the way back. you leave from new york on monday? define all of me.

long, eight hours? yes sir, from new york. i thought i'd have time to go back home first but dad's in town and ana wants us to have dinner. it's an escalation of more. i can't define what it is? all, whatever you wanna give me. all, whatever i can take. all, more with a capital m.

eight hours is good. i have a late call this monday, and my editor wanted me to meet with him tomorrow. if you wanna get greedy with my time, have a drink with me after your dinner.

yes, yeah, i want that.

how's employee's only sound?

i wanna go where you'd go if you were alone.

so the bar down the street from my house? clover club.

cool, yeah. there.

sun, mar 10, 5:59 pm

should've made you cook the eggs in new orleans.

no thanks, i wanted to watch you.

*distract

it's not my fault you can't multitask, chef.

no, in this actual instance, it was all your fault.

you got mirrors. you know what you look like naked.

yeah, so do you.

let's share. 65/35, in your favor because your back is a work of art.

it'd be unfair of me to have to make this concession based off of memory alone.

forgettable, huh?

more the opposite. seemingly too good to be true.

Nana

mon, mar 11, 1:00 pm

hey. i'm sorry. you didn't deserve any of that from me last night. i'm ashamed of myself for making it about me and my shit with dad when it didn't have to be, but most of all for taking it out on you. it won't happen again. i love you, nana.

i understand, love. i just didn’t want you hearing from anyone else. i know it’s not going to be easy, i’ve been around for a long time and there are going to be things that you won’t ever understand. i love you too!

things i won't ever understand? what does that mean?

what i see in him.

yeah, okay, but i don't think you need to justify it either. does he really think i blame him for everything that went wrong in my life? i don't.

given that i've been around forever and a day, i feel the need to. i was the extension of maddie, your cool aunt/sister type and now i'm dating your dad?

you're not just an extension. you're kinda my person. but it's okay, like. i want happiness for you, and no matter what happens i'm always gonna love you. who else knows?

ps if y'all get married someday you should make him take your last name. jason james sounds like some wild west desperado and that's 100% his vibe.

well, you and maddie. i'm going to tell pops in a few days and i think he's going to tell your siblings too. ps. if i ever get married, you're going to be my stepson and that's going to be fun given the fact of all the shit we've done together. i would take his name, but we're not even thinking that.

this is serious?

it's serious enough where i'm considering splitting my time between coasts when i'm not busy to be with him, yes.

okay.

what?

nothing. just, okay.

okay? but you're being flat?

i'm tired. it's been a long couple of days.

so, we good?

i thought that was clear already but yeah, we are.

just checking.

wyd?

trying to get these words to form sentences for my thesis. i wasn't going to tell you until i got my petition to graduate, but damn...going to school is hard.

for your THESIS???

yep. just my bach though, but my thesis is projected to be that of a masters or phd thesis making up for the fact that i didn't do this like a traditional college student!

most of the time when people live a double life it's not to hide the fact they're going to COLLEGE. how long have you been doing this? ...when are you graduating???

what are you going to school for??

why was this a secret??

because if i failed, i didn't want to disappoint people.

Bruhhhther Bear

tue, mar 12, 2:24 am

you was cool lettin dad blindside me with that

tue, mar 12, 7:20 am

son it is too early in the day for this.

nah

i wanna know what you was so busy with you couldn't tell me

before we have us a comin to jesus

lol bro sit your dramatic ass down, you're gonna hurt yourself.

like you wouldn't be mad as fuck at me? alright

don't do that.

honestly

i didn't think you'd care. you and dad are tight, right? and you don't talk to ana at all tbh so like

what's the issue?

you're my brother

and he told you first

that's just what we do man like

idk

we fucking tell each other shit we don't keep secrets

not from each other

not for him

or ana or whoever the fuck else

pressed for all of 2 sec.

the world does not revolve around you, fuckin leo crystal tarot motherfucker

i meant - it got me for 2 sec, why would it get you at all?

and i'm fucking sorry, hate to break it to you, but some shit is not for me to tell.

unreal

use your words.

fuck you

yeah! like that.

i don't care who dad is with

but you should have told me

i would have told you

come on man, you know i got your back.

is that what this is about?

no matter what happens i fucking got you. okay?

i'm still mad at you

yeah, okay.

call me.

R.

wed, mar 13, 7:20 pm

so what gave the human a soul if anansi created the body?

i don't actually know. this is vodun, i haven't looked much into it. i'll find out and tell you.

i'm gonna hold you to getting me that answer.

you can hold me to whatever you want.

you still coming through birmingham?

mhm. i think that fabric would be easy to find?

you should definitely bring it.

yes, hi, i'd like several yards of this fur. no, i'm not making anything. i'm just gonna get fucked on it.

hey, i might want to photograph you on it too.

that seems intimate, doesn't it? i'm game.

didn't realize intimacy was off the table.

it's not.

good.

i have a half answer which seems kinda fitting since in vodun they believe the soul itself is two halves. there's the gros bon ange and ti bon ange. gros bon ange is the life force shared by all people. it enters our body at birth and controls blood flow, breathing, basically our biology. ti bon ange is everything that makes you you. when you sleep, it leaves your body to find dreams. it can be owned by a loa...one of the big, big spirits? and these spirits protect it when it's free of your body, to prevent it from being stolen. when you die, the gros bon ange flows back into the gran met which reminds me a little of the river styx but i think it's just, like, a pool of life force.

so we're all astral projecting at night? what is the significance of dreams here?

YEAH basically. oh my god roman. okay, hold on.

what am i holding onto?

me.

but also, your horses.

real cute.

ha ha. okay. dreams are the gateway to the spiritual world (there are messages and guidance from your/the loa in them) and they believe if you dream infrequently or can't remember your dreams you're spiritually imbalanced. there's also? a little note here that's like, hey, if you can't remember them you should light a candle and ask your loa to visit you WHICH seems like the beginning of a horror movie so no ty.

do you remember your dreams?

i'm real fuckin spiritually imbalanced, man. i remember some of them? maybe have one very vivid dream every three months. you?

what was the last vivid dream you remember? you could say i'm spiritually imbalanced too. but i've had a lot of dreams about water, flooding, and/or drowning in my life.

the last one was a few nights ago. it was one of those stress dreams where people you love are killed and it sticks with you after you wake up.

who died?

my little sister. i haven't told you about her yet, she's my half sister but you know.

are you close?

not as close as i'd like to be? but i'm trying to fix it.

what caused the riff?

i can't talk about that. have i asked if you have any siblings yet?

just me. my need for attention didn't spell that out?

i had a hunch, but i'm needy as fuck for attention so it's not like it's fool proof.

good thing i like giving you my attention.

give me some now before i crash for a few hours. facetime me.

wed, mar 13, 11:13 pm

too late?

thu, mar 14, 4:23 am

yep. but i'm awake now, call whenever you like.

where are you at now?

standing in front of burj khalifa's elevator. waiting at the bottom. it has probably the coolest door i've ever seen on an elevator.

send me a picture of you at the top.

i'll have my friend take it. where are you?

in bed, just got out of the shower. night shoots fuck me up, i have a hard time sleeping much during the day.

oh, squeaky clean in bed. you want a shot of nyquil to knock your ass out? there's a futuristic af looking bathroom i could sneak into for 15, 20 minutes.

yeah, show me this bathroom.

anything for you.

anything? dangerous offer.

oh, i know. but

i don't mind when my words come back to me like that. what kind of show am i gonna get in this bathroom?

see? even heathens can be nice. another offering at your altar, i think. it's been a minute.

i'm glad you noticed, i am an impatient god.

it's a good thing for you i'm an eager supplicant. i could bring someone with me or i could go alone, which do you want?

bring someone with you.

fri, mar 15, 1:03 am

i don't know how anyone got any work done on that set.

that's why he's not on screen that much.

i get it. got to limit potential hazardous working conditions.

also why they had to get your big scenes out of the way first. and probably why they put you in a sheriff's outfit. not actually plot related at all. they're just like, more layers. more layers, more layers. where's the wool?? WIDE belt, yessss.

i don't know, i look pretty good in a sheriff's uniform.

no shit.

handcuffs dangling from my belt.

does the key work?

no.

cockblocked by prop department. the belt will work.

more the key wouldn't work cause i wouldn't want them to come off easily.

hm. meaning, struggle to get out of them or keep them on until you're satisfied?

keep them on until i'm satisfied.

alright, sheriff.

feel free to help flesh out some backstory with my character when you're here.

you might be grossly overestimating the amount of time i have but okay, sure, throw the costume on and we'll figure out what kinda kinky shit he likes.

oh, i am definitely grossly overestimating.

why'd you go and do a thing like that for?

there's not enough hours to do everything i want to you.

i know, but six is a good start.

yeah, i suppose.

do you want more?

do you have more to give?

yes, i do.

how much more?

a lot. i'm teaching a master class on the 25th but have nothing else going on right now.

you should take a longer layover.

tell me how much more you want, roman.

somewhere between a lot and you'll be trapped in birmingham.

that's not a number.

stay till you need to leave.

fri, mar 15, 8:01 pm

"But something about the way the eyes were set in the head and stared straight out, something very faintly sardonic and knowing in the set of the mouth suggested that, somewhere beneath this tense fragility was a strength as various as it was unyielding and, like my father's wrath, dangerous because it was so entirely unexpected."

"He thought we were alike. I did not want to think so. I did not want to think that my life would be like his, or that my mind would ever grow so pale, so without hard places and sharp, sheer drops."

"He wanted no distance between us; he wanted me to look on him as a man like myself. But I wanted the merciful distance of father and son, which would have permitted me to love him."

i finished chapter two before i had to assume some responsibility at my job. i enjoyed giovanni's discussion on time, of course.

i'd hope so, it's so so good. i like how he includes an invisible partner in their talk? looking over his shoulder, "to CHOOSE." has david left the bar by the end of chapter 2?

chapter three's first line is about locking the bar door.

"There was nothing I could say. I did not dare to mention Hella. I could not even pretend to myself that I was sorry she was in Spain. I was glad. I was utterly, hopelessly, horribly glad. I knew I could do nothing whatever to stop the ferocious excitement which had burst in me like a storm."

"Sometimes, in the days which are coming - God grant me the grace to live them - in the glare of the grey morning, sour-mouthed, eyelids raw and red, hair tangled and damp from my stormy sleep, facing, over coffee and cigarette smoke, last night's impenetrable, meaningless boy who will shortly rise and vanish like the smoke, I will see Giovanni again, as he was that night, so vivid, so winning, all of the light of that gloomy tunnel trapped around his head."

this is one of my favorite parts of a favorite book.

yeah. it was the right book to pick up.

for me then or you now?

me now. but i'm gonna want to hear more about the you then.

Jonathan

Jonathan Foley

Sage. Please talk to me.

Sage February

and say fucking what, exactly? you know i'm mad, and you know why i'm mad, asshole. there's nothing to fucking say.

Jonathan Foley

What fucking right do you have to decide when and where I announce my fiancee's pregnancy? You're my EX-wife, Sage. I don't owe you anything.

Jonathan Foley

Whatever. Forget it.

Sage February

no, fuck you. i'm not just your ex-wife, dude. we've been in a band together for 31 fucking years. i don't fucking care that we aren't making music right now, because we're still supposed to be a fucking family. we're raising a kid together, for fuck's sakes. what, so you get engaged and now i mean fucking nothing to you?

Jonathan Foley

Of course not.

Sage February

then fucking act like it, dude. i don't give a fuck how you announced the news to the world. jesus christ, i'm so happy for you that you had it to announce in the first place. you just should've told me first.

Sage February

i've spent all this time feeling like a worthless woman and wife because i couldn't give you biological kids. we wrote an entire fucking album about that shit, jonathan.

Sage February

and it's not your fault that i feel that way, because YOU never made me feel that way, but you knew that i fucking felt it more than anyone on this planet. you caught me when i fucking fainted after we found out and rubbed my back when i was fucking scream crying in your arms for weeks. i didn't even fucking care when you cheated on me because i felt like i deserved it. why, after everything, would you make me find out through fucking instagram?

Jonathan Foley

I thought you would be too busy taking whatever dick came your way to give a fuck about my business.

Sage February

wow. okay, then.

Jonathan Foley

I'm sorry. About everything.

Sage February

it's alright. you lash out when you feel guilty. i get it. i do, too.

Jonathan Foley

I hate that I hurt you.

Sage February

we hurt each other. it's why we're divorced. i'm sorry i got so angry. i know it probably wasn't about me, you keeping it from me. i'm the asshole.

Sage February

congratulations on the baby. you deserve this.

Shiloh

Shiloh Marie

Heeeey, girl!! How'd your interview today go??

Sage February

baby girl! it went really well, i think. i was honest, which is what matters.

Shiloh Marie

Oietetj YAY. I'm so proud of you for doing this!!

Shiloh Marie

Are you still neeervous?

Sage February

hahah GOD yeah. i mean it's nuts, right? adopting a baby by yourself? and i'll be fucking 50 at the least when it happens.

Shiloh Marie

N, I think it's amazing!! You've wanted this forever, right?

Sage February

i have! i haven't fully wrapped my head around the fact that i'm actually doing this.

Sage February

... but i'm also like. really, really excited, too. i feel ready? anna's interview is next week, and they should give me the date for the first in-home visit sometime next month. home studies are no joke!

Shiloh Marie

Eeeek. Look out world, Sage February is gonna be a momma of two!! Y'ALL ARE GONNA CRUSH THE REST OF IT.

Mariana

Sage February

damn, about time we ran into each other again.

Mariana Miller

last night was fucking amazing.

Sage February

i'll see you again friday night.

Mariana Miller

oh, is that right? how presumptuous of you.

Sage February

you were the one that was begging for more, if i recall.

Mariana Miller

mm, who could blame me. look at the view i had.

Mariana Miller

[2 minute pov video of sage giving oral sex attatched, which clearly shows her face]

Sage February

apparently i was eager, too.

💙 TAM 💙

are you sure you can't fly down to australia while i'm here? i just want you for three days. that's all that i'm asking. three days, thorsten.

sure. let me halt production on this film, take a 22 hour flight to australia to spend three days with you and come back to no job.

you don't even start filming until next month.

ana. i start filming in two days.

okay, so what about after you're done with production? you going to be too busy then?

i have maybe a week of downtime. it's so much easier for you to come to me. why can't you do that?

oh yes, thorsten let me postpone a world tour...

maddie told me you have a month break in the middle of july. you can come to chicago.

i already promised my mom we would vacation around europe because she's on break. why can't we see a different part of the world together?

i don't understand how you don't understand that i have to work.

i don't understand how YOU can't take some time from your downtime after you work to see your girlfriend.

because it's a fucking week of downtime before i have 0 free time for MONTHS. does that explain it?

yes but when i'm stateside i do whatever i can to be with you even for 24 hours sometimes. that's kinda fucked up if you ask me.

i never ask you to do that for me. and if i was in your shoes, i wouldn't throw it in my face.

so basically what you're saying is that you don't want to see me? okay, got it.

why do you always have to put words in my mouth? that's not what i said.

i'm not putting words in your mouth if it's clear that i'm not a priority to you like you are to me. so thanks.

you are a priority to me. your schedule is easier than mine for these next few weeka. i'm always coming to you. why can't you be flexible?

because i'm on the international leg, thorsten. it's not like i'm in the states where this is easier. i haven't physically touched you in a month and i miss you. you really can't come spend a couple of days with me when production wraps? the hamptons won't notice that you're gone.

you really make me feel like shit when i'm always the one who makes compromises for this relationship.

i'm sorry, can you reread what you just said? you make the compromises? all of them. yeah, okay.

this ONE TIME i say no invalidates every single other time? alright.

you're dancing around the fucking subject.

you're not fucking listening.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

acknowledge it. just fucking say i'm right for fuck's sake.

you're not right, you don't want to fucking come to see me.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT HERE AND THAT'S ALSO WRONG.

THAT IS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION BUT YOU KEEP TRYING TO MAKE IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE LIKE YOU'RE FUCKING HIDING SOMETHING.

like i'm fucking hiding something? what the fuck do you think i'm hiding???

I MEAN WE HIDE PRETTY WELL AND YOU'VE FUCKING MASTERED IT, SO IT COULD BE ANYTHING.

are you fucking accusing me of cheating on you?

how can i not?

because you know i'd never do that to you. that's a low fucking blow. fuck you.

fuck you for not coming to see me on that week you're off.

sorry, i've apparently got more important things to do like the girl i'm cheating on you with.

have fun in the fucking hamptons with her.

i will. on every fucking surface.

wow, fuck you.

fuck you.

you're unfucking believable right now.

I'M UNBELIEVABLE? you basically just said you don't fucking trust me. what's the point of any of this if you don't trust me?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I'M SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED THAT I MISS YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH THAT I'M HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD AND YOU'RE THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT'S ON MY MIND.

i'm pushing back because you always make me feel like what i've got going on isn't important compared to your shit. i get it. i know your career is important, but so it mine and so is my fucking sanity. so if i want to have one god damn week off where i don't have to do anything and can just rest and recuperate before i work for 8 months straight, then let me have it. come to me. make this easy.

okay, whatever, fuck you.

so this is how you want to spend that week?

no, i'm letting you have your week. i'll see you whenever i get back to states, i don't even when that is right now.

this is so fucking stupid.

what?

this whole fucking fight. read it. it's stupid. this is what we do when we don't see each other for months.

this is what i was trying to avoid, yet here we are.

i don't have it in me to fight about this anymore.

we'll talk about it later. i gotta go to sound check. i love you.

good luck. love you.

👑 mama 👑

Hi, lovebug! I just wanted to wish you the happiest of 29 years. I know you're in Switzerland and it's too early for you to be up. We'll call you as soon as Mads tells us you're awake. I love you, Anastasia and I'm so proud of you and what you've become. You're a star, baby. I'm glad that all those years ago, when I met you father, you decided to choose us as your parents. You're my greatest blessing. Talk to you soon, baby girl. I miss your face.

oh my grace, mama. way to make me cry! thank you for facetiming with me first thing after i opened my eyes. you were sooo cute. tony says hi, he and i are out to lunch right now. he's flying to texas with me after we're done in august and we're going to throw you your own personal show.

how are you feeling??? no bs, mama. i hate that i can't be there right now. i'm so sorry.

Ana! Don't be sorry, you have a commitment and I'm doing well enough for you to come home to me smiling! Natalie brought Nemmy over for lunch yesterday, he's going to be something. I just know it. We need to take him to the bar when you get back, he'll be 21 by then. Promise me you'll always look out for him?

always, mama.

Sandy and Tiffany are coming tonight for dinner. Thorsten calls me twice a day. They're all taking care of me for you until the tour is ok. Don't tell Daddy but when he's at work, Jackson from across the street comes over and we get high. Works better than the goddamn pain medications they have me on.

mama!! lmao, daddy knows, he just thinks it's cute that you try to hide it. jackson asked if it was okay. you were singing to him roll me up and smoke me when i die. do you not remember?

Oh wow.

he said when he looked at you, y'all were 18 again driving to the beach.

This man.

y'all the best, mama. tell sandy that if she talks to jason, i want to go to the ranch when i get back. you know, bbq and all of that. i think he gets back in august too.

We can STEAL THE KEYS.

mama, are you getting high right now?

Yes, Daddy went to go talk to a player about some legal issue. Jackson just came over.

alrighty, mama. i'll let you ride puff the magic dragon and call you before i go to sleep. i love you!!!

Love you, lovebug! break a leg and give tony a kiss on the cheek for me.

maddie 🌻

are you up?

i haven't slept yet? or maybe i have. has my dad been out of his room yet?

not yet. your aunt just left though, she said she'll be back around lunch. are you going to come out of your room today?

we can try again tomorrow.

ana, we need to set arrangements for the trips. i already spoke to thorsten, he'll be here and in california and he won't stop asking about you. he's worried about you. we're all worried about you.

max just came into the kitchen. ana, did you fall asleep?

ana.

ana, i'm not going to have jason scale the balcony again...

your dad is going to remove the door from the frame.

I WAS IN THE SHOWER.

ana, i love you, you're my sister and we get it. we all get it.

i can't do this today. just book whatever, spend whatever, i don't care.

ok.

is there food by the door?

thorsten's going to call you soon and yes.

tell him i'm asleep.

ana...

what?

talk to him. he had to go back to work, he has a job.

i know he does and so do i. i just, he

he what?

he just doesn't need to deal with this. i'm not his responsibility. he shouldn't be burdened with this.

well, he has his ticket here and california, there's no going back. let him take care of you. he promised mom.

he's doing the best he can.

well.

i know and he'll never realize how grateful i am, even when i don't show it. but i'm working on it.

we know.

he's calling. give me 15 and i'll be down

💙 TAM 💙

hey boo. how's the future mrs. thorsten meyer today?

hiiiii. trying to figure out how to tell donatella that she doesn't have to speed up production on an undesigned wedding gown. what's up, baby?

don't upset the queen. you'll end up walking down the aisle naked. i tried getting a few more hours of sleep before writing night, but frank isn't having any of it.

her vision is to take your breath away, but we don't even have any details! tell him i'll be home soon and we'll get all the sleeps.

you don't need to be in a wedding dress to do that. he told me last night that you give him the best cuddles and i told him to lay off of my woman.

with nothing but your t-shirt on. aw, my boys are missing me. ugh, can we order from the deli down the street from the apartment and just chill on the couch?

with nothing is more like it. we can do that under two conditions. can we PLEASE finish the nice guys and i love you very much but order your own fries. if i see you even look at mine, i will eat your entire sandwich.

i can't finish a whole order by myself and if you even think about touching my sandwich...okay, we can try, but this watching movies thing won't work if you don't touch me and we get distracted.

what a bold face lie. YOU EAT MY FRIES ALL THE TIME. here's the thing. we've tried to finish this movie 5 times already. we really need to focus. you need to sit on the other end of the couch with a garbage bag over your body.

i really should take your name.

mrs. anastasia renee meyer.

alright, i'm doodling it right now and i'll send you a picture. let me perfect my new signature.

alright let's see it.

my stupid connection isn't letting me send it to you. so i emailed it. what do you think?

i don't think i've ever seen a better signature for a meyer.

gunning for the favorite meyer in-law of all time.

well when you're competing against henry gilliam, i think that's a given baby.

i'll write a how-to survive the meyers for carsten's girls. thorsten, leave him alone!

girls. how the fuck does he pull that off? you know he's dating two right now and they both know of each other AND THEY'RE FINE WITH IT. henry is a fucking square. don't act like you don't think this. he's the poster boy for pushovers.

one day he'll find "the" girl and there will be nothing that stops him from gravitating back to her, no matter what happens. yeah, but kiersten's eyes light up when she looks at him and i've never seen them brighter.

look at you being such a softy. i love you, annie.

i love you too, bucks. i have to go to a meeting but i'll facetime you tonight so i can sing frank to sleep. what should it be this time?

okay baby. you know he loves it when you sing cheek to cheek. he's a sucker for the classics.

love you 😘

love you mrs. meyer. hey that sounds pretty good.

lo ✨

i hooked up with thorsten last night.

Is this good or bad? Because I have feelings about it

i don't knooooow. i was drunk and i needed to be dicked down.

Lmfao hey no judgement! Everyone needs a good dick here and there. Was it good at least?

ugh, yes. just like i remembered it...went down on me for a half hour. it was magical. a middle school needs to be named after him.

God I'm jealous. I knew I always liked him

i don't know if there were feelings still mixed in? it was super weird. you know? or maybe i was too drunk.

You still love him right??

there's going to be a piece of me that's always going to love him. but he was just super into it and even though we were going it at it rough, he still remembered my hip and put me in all the right positions.

Why aren't you guys together??! This is dumb

i know, i miss the way he used to choke me.

Then why aren't you together?! Fuck, girl

because i left before he could make me breakfast? i had a change of clothes and everything. in the words of the banger, "we are never, ever, ever...getting back together." the whole break up over the phone instead of talking to me about our engagement really fucked us up.

why are relationships so fucking complicated?

it's so annoying!

what about friends with benefits? could that work?

lmao nah, he's so fucking needy that if i'm away for too long...and me too. it's me too. we can't handle being apart for too long.

then get married already

i think that's one of the funniest things you have ever said.

lol he's a great fuck, he's funny, sexy, why not?

honestly, my career is too much for him to handle with all that is expected of me.

understandable. it's tough. but at least you got amazing choke sex from it.

pour one out for my choke sex, i don't think it'll happen again.

its definitely not everyone's cup of tea.

poor thorsten, going back to vanilla after me.

fucking boring.

😴

Carsten Meyer

hey. did you bring any?

seriously, t? AT AN INTERVENTION?

fuck off. how else are YOU getting through this?

sober. like a normal person.

well, i'm not normal. my anxiety is through the roof and i'm out.

how about getting them from your doctor?

ok. let me fly 3,965 miles to get some legal xanax from my psychiatrist. we'll put this intervention on hold. he can wait, right? he won't die or anything like you said?

did you really google the distance in miles from berlin to new york city just to add to your point?

all in the name of sarcasm.

dude, it's not like i'm the addict here. it's prescribed to me. i just left them in new york because i didn't think i'd need any.

just because it's prescribed to you doesn't mean you're not an addict. that sounds like something an addict would say.

i don't do it to ride a high, carsten. i take them when i need them.

whatever, man. if we have to do one of these one day for you, i'm printing this text message out and bringing it for collateral.

ok, real housewives of new york city. do you have any bars or not?

yeah, i'll come bring them to you.

Dessert 🍑👅

THIS MESSAGE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY FOUR SHOTS OF TEQUILA, THREE WHISKY SOURS AND AN ADIOS MOTHERFUCKER.

i really need to suck your dick right now.

what's stopping you?

also it's a good thing i had my phone in my pocket and not on the table otherwise my blind date would have seen this and that would have been a lot of fun.

your blind date is now apparently.

oh come on. it's just a date. it's nothing serious. you can still suck my dick.

hm, does this mean i won't be able to walk tomorrow?

you know well enough that's my modus operandi.

hurry up and tell your doorman to give me the key so i can be waiting for you and ditch her.

why don't i just ask her to join us?

just because you're out on loan right now, doesn't mean that i share.

listen. i had to try. go to my place, but don't warm yourself up. i got you.

your apr is kinda high, you sure this one will last? i'll take my son out while i wait.

the girl?

yes, and the next 20 before the 40 takes effect.

she's cute. she's an actress, but she's from texas. and you texas girls are something so who knows. either way, i'm sure i'll be seeing you when you hit 40. don't worry your pretty little head.

the last one didn't even last too long. where are you finding them?? i'm pretty sure you have to start getting your dick ready for that reunion now.

the last one just wanted to fuck. you know i'm not like that.

hey, i went two years without putting my dick in anyone. GIVE ME MORE CREDIT.

i mean, with that dick of yours? i don't blame her.

[nsfw photo of thorsten's junk taken in the restaurant bathroom]

do you miss it?

[photo sent back of a seductive open mouth insinuating that she’s ready to give him head]

all these years and you haven't forgotten how good i dicked you down.

you got an a in dickanomics.

LMAO.

i fucking can't with you.

i just got here. hurry the fuck up, i want to wrap my legs around your shoulders.

i kinda like making you beg for it.

baby, please?

i'll think about it.

as you pull me across to the edge of the bed, kneel and get to work.

are you giving the demands now?

isn't that how it always works?

hmm. not quite how i remember it.

hmm. well i'll show you.

you're lucky i'm great at taking direction. i'm almost home.

you're going to have to come find me.

nope. you better be on that bed. i've got some kneeling to do and we don't have time to waste.

you hear that? i swear drake is playing somewhere.

i'm about to replace that with your moans.

tell me more.

i'm downstairs. i'll just show you.

i'm waiting patiently.

Carisa James

hey babe. our last show for the year is december 15th. i have to be back in the city by january 14th so what do you want to do?

i was thinking something but i don't know if you're going to think i'm crazy

what were you thinking?

what if you came to texas with me?

to spend the holidays with your family?

that's what i was thinking but having you say that back makes me nervous. i don't even know if you'd want to do that. would you want to?

you don't have to be nervous. i'd love to meet your parents babe.

BABE. you have no idea how happy this makes me.

WELL GOOD. when did you want to go down there and for how long?

we HAVE to be there for xmas eve because that's the best part. but what if we come back in time for new years here?

do you guys open up gifts on christmas eve? what does your mom like? what about your dad? i got to get them both something good. che has a pretty good nye party if you want to do that or do you have something else in mind?

we do and have this big italian dinner and then we have a huge brunch on christmas. you're a guest, you don't have to bring anything! but i will help you. where's che's party?

that's perfect but i have to bring something. i have to make a good first impression. it's gotta be really good, babe. make me look cool and suave. che's party is at his place, but it's the whole cast and alumni with a bunch of other people.

baby, it'll be great, i promise. just having you there will be perfect. i can't wait for you to meet them. and you know mike obviously but andrew will be there too. I AM SO EXCITED. i am good with anywhere i can pull you into a dark room to have my way with you.

okay so prep me. what do they know? what don't they know? I'M NERVOUS CARI JEAN. also, just a quick question. will there be dark rooms at your parents house? because that will necessary. i think it'll help the nerve situation.

they know that i am crazy head over heels stupid in love with you. they know jenny introduced us and they adore jenny, so that's a check for you. and andrew loves snl so there's that. i don't know but don't be nervous they will love you because i do. and oh yes, there will be plenty of dark rooms. and my childhood bedroom. we can take care of all your nerves.

but will andrew love me as much as mikey loves me? because he loves me a lot. not to toot my own horn or anything. please tell me your childhood bedroom still have posters of hanson and zach from saved by the bell.

andrew and mike are night and day. andy is... he acts like the big brother, he's tough. but he knows how i feel about you. and mikey might love you more than even i do. excuse you, i was a shawn hunter kind of girl but no. talk about tooting your own horn but i had to take my posters down after i met people that were in them.

so i've got to work on andrew a little bit more. i mean, doable. i think? mikey can love me all he wants but i only want love from one person and she's a long blonde with these killer blue eyes that pretty much pierce your soul and make you weak in the knees. i don't know if you know her but she goes by carisa. i call her cari jean. she used to hate it but now she loves it. man, YOU COULD BE WITH SHAWN HUNTER RIGHT NOW. you fucked up.

i pierce your soul and make you weak in the knees?? SWOON. forget shawn hunter, i think i'll keep you.

of course you do baby. perfect. i'll print up a poster of my face so you can stick it on your wall when we get to your parents house.

i just like hearing you say it. why do i need a poster when i have the life-size version? my very own real deal, real thing. and kissing you is way better than a poster.

you do have a point there. feel free to kiss me like you did when you'd practice on your shawn poster.

i've learned a couple things since then. happy to show you that too.

oh have you? i don't think i know what you mean so yes, you'll have to show me. asap in fact.

oh asap huh? you'd better come over then. it's awfully hard to show you if i can't get my hands all over you.

what do you know? i was already on my way. you better not spare a single thing.

i wouldn't dare, baby. i'm been day dreaming about exactly what i want to do to you all day long and i think you'll like the list. it starts with my mouth.

your mouth and...

my lips wrapped around you, me on my knees...

in that case, it's only right that i return the favor.

i do love your favors

Mom

you texted ana?

Yes. I wanted to check in with everything going on to see how she was doing.

this relationship you and her have needs to chill out.

Thorsten, I am your mother. You are my son. The hierarchy is what is it. You do not tell me what to do.

i'm not telling you what to do. i am merely advising.

and how the fuck are you not furious that she kept a miscarriage from me?

you're MY mom and you're buddy buddying up with someone who deceived your son, who robbed him of an experience he could have had. things could have been so different for me, i would have been a completely different man had i known. maybe i would have come to the realization of wanting kids sooner instead of being a stubborn ass.

No, honey. Knowing then would have not made you any different than you were. Ana being pregnant wouldn't have been an epiphany for you. You would have panicked. You would have been miserable. You would have felt trapped. You didn't want children. The only reason that has changed is because of who you are with now.

whatever the outcome, it's still a shitty fucking thing to keep from the person you supposedly love.

she was never going to tell me. she fucking went out of her way to hide it from me for god's sake. i forced her hand.

Did you ever stop to think why she might've done that? Do you enjoy reliving difficult moments in your life that have ripped your heart to shreds? I'm sure you don't. You don't understand the loss you feel as a woman when your body has failed you. It's not a wound that ever heals.

i could have helped her through it. she decided she didn't need my help. she didn't need me. she didn't care about how it affected anyone, but herself. she was selfish.

You need to get that big head of yours out of your ass and stop making this all about you. She suffered a great loss. She wasn't in the right frame of mind to be held accountable for any decisions she made during that tramatic time. You cannot hold that against her.

If you do, you must accept responsibility for all the things you have done during all the times of trauma in your life. I'm sure you will agree you did not make some good decisions during those either. Do I need to remind you?

no.

kind of feels like you're holding me accountable right now by holding that shit over my head, though, kettle.

No. That was to serve as a reminder that you're not perfect either.

Wie boter op zijn hoofd heeft, moet uit de zon blijven.

i always stay out of the sun. my skin doesn't tan, i burn thanks to your genetics.

Stop being a smartass. Respect her. Support her. Stop being selfish and try to be understanding.

imagine being charlotte and seeing your boyfriend's mom best friends with his ex. that's fucking weird.

Ana needs a mother figure in her life, Thorsten. She has always been wonderful and kind to me and to our entire family. I am going to be there for her whether you like that or not.

Charlotte is wonderful and I love her dearly, but I'm sure she understands the dynamic. She's not a fragile little flower you paint her out to be sometimes. She's a big girl.

i just want to make sure she feels every bit a part of our family.

I understand. And she is.

Mrs. Meyer

ITS TOMORROW NOW

OH. HEY. you're marrying me today.

hey, you’re going to be my husband today. i told sasha this morning because when we’re shopping i’m sending her to pick me up a pair of bridal underwear and she was like W H A T.

bridal underwear? how is that different from normal underwear? what category does it fit into in your drawer? and did she try to talk you out of marrying me subtly or is she excited?

THEY’RE LIGHT BLUE and they say “mrs” on them and no she’s shocked but happy for us both. she’s always liked you

this time tomorrow, those will be on your bedroom floor and you'll be waking up mrs. meyer. i'm meeting my mom for coffee and telling her. i'm telling kiersten and carsten after. probably not telling christoph until it's necessary.

tell your father, thorsten.

i haven't spoken to him in weeks.

baby you need to tell him

i know. i will. i'm just hesitant because his mouth is large. the last thing we need is him talking.

i know babe but he’s still your dad and he loves you and he’s family

i'll tell him afterwards. i promise.

okay you better because soon i’ll be your wife and you have to listen to me then 😈

oh is it going to be like that?

lmao no not always but sometimes yes

you have to listen to me TOO. when are we doing this babe?

i got you some cuff links and a nice shirt. you need to bring one of your thousand navy suits. i’m doing my hair and makeup now and then we can go

ok, what color are the cuff links? so i can coordinate my watch.

tie or bow tie? or neither?

they’re gold. one says “i” and the other says “do” and wear a tie

you are so cheesy and adorable.

i bought a delicate little ruby ring to wear on my left hand for now

okay, baby. do you have something old? my mom is bringing over heirloom earrings she wore when she married my father and she's insisting you wear them. i think they're just diamonds? i don't know. you do not have to wear them.

i would love to wear them, babe. they can be my old and borrowed. i got new and blue. what did your mom say when you told her?

ok. sage them for any bad juju or whatever you guys do down in new orleans. she cried of course. and then asked why not have a big wedding and i honestly don't want one.

i wouldn’t mind a wedding and getting to see your face when you see me in a white gown but it’s not that important. maybe we could have a reception of sorts at some point later

we can do some kind of small, private ceremony at some point if you want. i just can't wrap my head around something huge and with hundreds of people. reception i'm not opposed to as long as there is booze.

oh no not hundreds. i had a big wedding. a small thing with a reception would be nice for our first anniversary?

we need to remember this day for our anniversary. we can maybe forget the feb 7 one because that’s a lot to keep up with

easier for me, i am 100% behind this idea.

typical man

THERE WILL BE A LOT OF THINGS TO REMEMBER, OKAY. i'm less likely to fail with less.

being a husband is hard work baby. what have you gotten yourself into

well, i've gotten myself into you multiple times. the pay off is worth it.

lmao you pervert

remember that porch at 80 with you on my lap while our grandkids run around in the front yard? it's going to be a real thing now.

don’t make me cry AGAIN. i love you

i love you. i'm leaving 30 rock now and i'll meet you at your place so we can head to the courthouse together.

see you soon, almost husband

Mrs. Meyer

project runway is on the dvr. we're watching you tonight.

NOOOOOOO i don’t wanna watch me

how the hell can you watch yourself in homemade porn and not on tv?

it’s DIFFERENT

oh, because you have clothes on and my dick isn't in your mouth?

YEAH BASICALLY i don’t know why you’re being so sassy right now

i am feeling SASSY today okay.

FEEL ATTACKED. you never complain about your dick in my mouth!!!

my only complaint is that it's not in your mouth RIGHT NOW.

if you really wanna watch tonight then we can watch

i was going to watch it anyway with or without you. i want to see my babe being a career woman.

fiiiiiiine we can watch it

we can also watch your season if you want.

LORD NO.

yesssss. we're doing it.

no but i have bad hair

THAT'S MY WIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.